The Double Empathy Problem — who is doing the work?
Updated: Sep 30
Think about a time you were in a room—a meeting, a social gathering, or a classroom—where the unspoken rules seemed clear to everyone else, but you felt out of place.
Maybe you navigated it. You watched, adapted, and mirrored. You did what was needed to move through the space without drawing the wrong kind of attention.
Now ask yourself: who was doing the work of understanding in that room?
"The assumption, often unspoken, is that the person in the minority is the one who needs to adjust—their voice, their way of being, their way of communicating."
This pattern appears in many spaces: workplaces, families, and schools. The common stance is that the majority voice holds the most insight. It is the one that should be followed. Consequently, the voice of difference often feels pressured to change or adapt. This can manifest in how one dresses, expresses themselves, or simply exists.
Sometimes, this pressure is visible enough to challenge. However, more often than not, it occurs outside anyone's awareness.
Enter: The Double Empathy Problem
The Double Empathy Problem challenges this line of thinking from an empathy perspective. The term was originally coined by Dr. Damian Milton, specifically addressing the relationship between autistic and non-autistic people. It challenges a long-held belief that autistic individuals lack the ability to empathise and reframes the situation entirely.
Milton's insight reveals that when miscommunication occurs, it isn't a one-way failure. It's a two-way mismatch. Both parties are, in their own way, failing to fully understand each other.
What makes this particularly worth contemplating is that autistic individuals, navigating a world built around neurotypical norms, are constantly asked to place themselves in the shoes of others. They must adapt and translate. If empathy is, at its core, the act of placing yourself in someone else's experience to understand them, then autistic people in neurotypical settings might, in some ways, be practising a form of empathy more actively than those around them.
"The one doing the most translating isn't necessarily the one who understands the least."
Beyond Autism — A Wider Lens
The Double Empathy Problem can extend beyond the boundary between autistic and non-autistic experiences. It can encompass neurodivergence more broadly, as some researchers and communities refer to as neurominorities.
The same dynamic, where the minority voice is tasked with the work of understanding, can be felt across various minority experiences.
Navigating Minority Spaces
Consider what it means to be in the minority in any of these contexts:
Neurodivergence: ADHD, autism, dyslexia, and other neurominorities navigating predominantly neurotypical expectations.
Impairment & Health: Those living with disabilities, chronic illnesses, or health conditions in spaces not built around their experiences.
Ethnic & Cultural: Navigating spaces where the dominant cultural reference point isn't yours—where your way of dressing, expressing, or being is marked as different.
Gender, Sexuality & Socioeconomic: Where norms are built around identities or circumstances that don't reflect your own, and adjustment is assumed rather than negotiated.
In each of these contexts, an imbalance can quietly take hold. The majority way of being becomes the invisible standard. The person in the minority, without it ever being said out loud, becomes responsible for bridging the gap.
The exhaustion of that. The accumulation of it. The way it can sit in the body before it ever reaches words. That is what this imbalance looks and feels like. It is worth naming.
A Moment to Reflect
Have you ever been in a space where you were doing the most work to be understood, and that effort went largely unnoticed?
Where the expectation was that you would adjust, without the same being asked of those around you?
If that resonates, you're not imagining it. You're not alone in it.
What This Means in the Therapy Room
This is something I consciously hold in my work. Let’s explore what moving away from the constant filtering of communication, processing, or making sense of things could look like.
The space we build together is one where your way of being is the starting point. There is no single correct way to understand the world. There is only what arises when two people are genuinely willing to meet each other.
For another perspective on the Double Empathy Problem, have a read of A bridge between neurodivergent and neurotypical - What is your native tongue?.
Something Here Felt Familiar?
If you have spent time being the one who does the translating and are curious about what it might feel like to be in a space where that isn't required, I would be glad to hear from you. Reach out whenever you're ready.
Embracing Authenticity
In our journey together, we can explore the beauty of authenticity. Each person brings a unique perspective. This diversity enriches our interactions and fosters deeper connections.
Imagine a tapestry woven from various threads. Each thread represents a different experience, a different voice. When we embrace these differences, we create a vibrant picture that reflects the richness of human experience.
The Power of Connection
Connection is a powerful tool. It allows us to bridge gaps and foster understanding. In a world that often feels divided, we can create spaces where everyone feels seen and heard.
Let’s take a moment to appreciate the strength found in vulnerability. When we share our experiences, we invite others to do the same. This exchange can lead to profound insights and healing.
Moving Forward Together
As we navigate our paths, let’s remember the importance of empathy. It’s not just about understanding others; it’s about creating an environment where everyone feels valued.
Together, we can challenge the status quo and advocate for a more inclusive world. A world where differences are celebrated, and everyone has the opportunity to thrive.
Final Thoughts
In conclusion, the journey towards understanding and empathy is ongoing. It requires patience, openness, and a willingness to learn from one another.
I invite you to reflect on your experiences and consider how they shape your interactions. Together, we can create a space that honours our unique journeys while fostering connection and understanding.
Let’s continue this conversation. Your voice matters, and I am here to listen.
